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NVC Idea No. 2 – “NVC Starts with ME”

by deb ~ September 7th, 2018. Filed under: News.

“NVC Starts with ME”
To us this is what NVC is most about.  Doing our own connective and inner work so we can be more compassionate and available to those around us.  We have discovered over the years in our own relationship how important it is to find our own empathy places and practices to support us when we are both struggling to hear each other.

Practices can be:

  • Empathy from a close friend
  • Using the feelings and needs cards
  • A walk around the park to take space and connect with own needs
  • Getting online and using the empathy facebook page
  • Journalling and then connecting with the needs that are written down
  • A walk and talk to get connected

There are a number of ways that we can get connected to our needs before coming back into relationship and working through whatever the issue may be.

One practice that we share in our NVC Practice Day, Transformative Mediation and Couples Workshops is the Self Connection Process.  This is a very simple process that can act as emergency empathy in a tough/challenging situation.

This process has three parts:

1. Breath – Take 3-30 slow deeper breaths and be aware of the breathes (Brings us present)

2. Feelings – Be aware of feelings / body sensations (Brings us aware)

3. Needs – Whats needs / longings are most alive in me right now (Choice – puts us in a place where we respond rather than react)

I use this alot in challenging conversations.  One example is I was in a meeting last year with an organisation I am part of, and at one point I was becoming extremely frustrated with what the person who was talking was saying.  I was at the point of interrupting and putting my view across.  I noticed in that moment I had stopped listening to this person and could only think of what I was going to say next.  I noticed my signals of disconnection so…

First I started sitting in the meeting and deepening my breathing and sitting with the breath noticing it it.  After a few minutes I checked into by body.  Where am I holding the tension and the discomfort and sat with that not judging it or trying to change it – just being aware of it.  I then asked myself what needs are wanting to be meet in this moment, what is my longing?.  I noticed my needs for fairness, ease, compassion, effectiveness and connection were up.  From this place I listened to the person and then when it was my turn to share I spoke from this place.

What came out was not perfect by any means, but it was honest and more compassionate than what was going to come out minutes before.  I then was able to be a more compassionate and effective member of that meeting.

My encouragement is give the Self Connection Process a trial and see how it goes.  We would love to hear from anyone who uses it and how it went.

We would like to thank Manfred Friedrich for introducing us to this Process through the work of Ike Lasater and John Kinyon.

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